You don’t tell me when I should speak English — multicultural parenting and language rights

From @@JRhodesPianist
From @JRhodesPianist

Last month, this story from Wales:

The most perfect thing I have ever seen just happened on the replacement train bus service between Newport and Cwmbran:

White man sat in front of a mother and her son. Mother was wearing a niqab. After about 5 minutes of the mother talking to her son in another language the man, for whatever reason, feels the need to tell the woman “When you’re in the UK you should really be speaking English.”

At which point, an old woman in front of him turns around and says, “She’s in Wales. And she’s speaking Welsh.”

Perfect.

Apocryphal maybe, but perfect nonetheless. It’s got all the elements of a great story: some ignorant rube makes an ass of himself in public and gets his comeuppance.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of publicly ignorant rubes get away with it. Continue reading “You don’t tell me when I should speak English — multicultural parenting and language rights”

Are we a “hapa” family?

Family Portrait
Family portrait by MAUD.

In One Big Hapa Family Jeff Chiba Stearns investigates why there is such a high rate of interracial marriage (95%+) amongst Canadians of Japanese ethnic heritage (otherwise known as Nikkei). Through interviews with his family and other Nikkei in British Columbia, Chiba Stearns explores the historical experience of the Nikkei in Canada and issues surrounding multiethnic identity.

The DVD of this film was given to my wife and I at Christmas by a family friend who, with a slight grin on her face, commented simply: “You guys should watch this.”

She was right.

Sitting down to watch this, my wife and I laughed when we saw it was about growing up as a multiethnic kid in Kelowna! This is a constant topic of discussion in our household as we watch our multiethnic kids grow up here in Kelowna. My wife and I don’t identify as Hapa, but I am sure our kids will. Does this make us a Hapa family? Sorta? ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Continue reading “Are we a “hapa” family?”

Teaching our children minimalism

Obviously we do not force an austere, monkish existence on our children. Yet, we still think it is important to instill in them certain values: a wariness of consumerism, sustainable thinking, recognizing joy in objects. I can give you three examples of how we have been teaching these lessons:

1. The Rock Collection

3 year olds are very curious little bipeds, just learning to exercise their ingrained skills of gathering. While taking walks to the park or beach, our littlest hominin would stop every few steps to inspect the surrounding geology and select a sample. She would bring all sorts of rocks home, with no discernible rhyme nor reason — just whatever struck her fancy in the moment. We decided to introduce some regulatory measures: she is allowed to have a maximum of 20 items in her rock collection; to get a new one, you have to get rid of an old one. The key is to have her take stock of her collection before going on a rockhounding excursion, to make space before getting a new sample, rather than just bringing home any old rock from any old walk and making a decision to keep later. Prioritization and planning for the future are some nice lessons here.

2. The Paper Tray

Paper tray

From rocks to trees. My older daughter is in school and brings home reams and reams of paper creations. She is a budding artist with some impressive Star Wars portraiture skills. Digital photography makes it a lot easier to capture the memories without having to deal with physical storage, but we instituted a limit on what she could keep by giving her a 2 inch high paper tray. Periodically she goes through the contents in an act of “life editing.” We leave the decision of what to keep and what to cull entirely up to her. The key question of course is: what sparks joy?

3. The Christmas Cull

Stuffies

Make room. That is a concept little ones easily understand. Last year, before Xmas, my wife sat the kids down and told them that before Santa brings any new toys we have to make room. The girls had to take stock, determine which were their favourites, and give some of their unused toys to other kids. It was pretty successful and not painful at all.

These three stories are examples of how to teach little ones that more isn’t better, how to identify valuable possessions, and how to say “good-bye” and “thank you for your service” to other possessions. A pretty good basis for full-on minimalism in the future, if they so choose.

Family complete #achievementunlocked

This is where it all started. Above is my completed family of four, standing in front of the college dorm where I met my wife in 1999. As we only have a couple days left in Japan, we decided to take a photo. Unfortunately the weather didn’t cooperate and it was pouring down, so we weren’t exactly able to pose a bunch and take lots of shots. In fact, we only took one. The result is less than perfect, but it is a pretty good representation of family life: haphazard, slap-dash, but smiling the whole time.

In two days the four of us will be boarding three planes and landing in Canada’s Okanagan Valley next Tuesday. My wife and first daughter have been in Japan for six months. I have been here for three months. My second daughter has been with us for two and a half. Needless to say, it has been eventful. Soon new chapter will begin.

Over the past twelve years my wife and I have moved back and forth between Canada and Japan on average once every two years. As we have now completed our family, this next chapter of our lives will be focused on building a foundation. That means trying to stay in the same place, building a community, creating a healthy and loving environment for our kids to grow up in. So, for the next while, it is goodbye to Japan.

I still have a few months left on my paternity leave, and am looking forward to getting a few things done after returning to Canada. For example:

  • continuing Lining Things Up
  • building some more Rails apps
  • rethinking my wardrobe
  • improving my career
  • getting a vasectomy (・・;)

Helping my wife and daughters re-integrate themselves into a Canadian lifestyle tops the list though. Also, getting healthy. I gained about 10 kilos during this pregnancy and am going to try and lose it by dieting, running and training. I got a Wi-Fi Body Scale for Xmas, and a Nike Fuel Band is in my future. My wife wants to do yoga together, which I am all for.

As always, there is lots to do. But my view on life is different than it was in the past. My new keywords are “long view” and “life-editing”. I know I can’t do everything I want to on a whim. But I am perfectly satisfied with that. Enjoying my time with my family is the cake. Everything else is icing.

Paternity Leave Lessons Learned (in Japanese)

Next month an article of mine will be published in an Osaka-based newsletter. The article is based on a blog post from a few years ago: End of paternity leave and a lesson on negative support. It is all in Japanese (edited by my lovely wife), but for those interested, click on the more link below:

父親育児休業の最も大きな学び

コホリック・チャド

 1997年に、武道を勉強するため、初めてカナダから日本に来ました。わずか数か月の旅でしたが、絶対に日本に戻りたいという強い願望ができました。二年後、大学の短期留学生として再来日できました。留学中の一年間に、妻と知りあい、それから長い愛情のある関係を築くことができました。2008年に妻から衝撃的なニュースを言われました。妊娠だ!

 初めての娘が生まれて、新米パパになった時は幸せな瞬間でした。産後二か月になったら妻が仕事に戻るため、私が半年の育児休業をとりました。はじめは育児休業をとるつもりはありませんでしたが、妻が三年間の有期雇用の職場で働いていて、三年目に妊娠したので育児休業の権利がなく、産休のみで仕事に復帰しなければならなかったため、妻が産後も仕事を続けるために夫婦で話し合って、私が育児休業をとることにしました。

 予想しなかった育児休業という経験によって赤ちゃんについてたくさんのことと、また同じくらい自分のことや妻との関係について学ぶことができました。

 育児休業をとったと話すと、職場の反応を日本ではよく聞かれました。半年間、取得したことも驚かれました。職場では上司に二歳半の子どもがいたことから、羨ましがられたぐらいで問題はありませんでした。同僚からは「男性でもそんなに長く育児休業をとれることを知らなかった。自分も考えてみる」とか「ちゃんと育児休業がとれるなんて、この会社はさすがいい会社だ」と言われました。そのため育児休業は会社によって保証されている権利ではなくて、国の制度であることを説明しないといけませんでした。肯定的に受け止められていたようですが、知られていないことがたくさんあると思いました。日本は北米に比べて、育児休業の制度が進んでいないと聞いたりしますが、カナダの制度より日本の方がだいぶ進んでいる感じがしました。

日本とカナダの育児休業制度の違い

 実は国々の育児休業制度を比較するのは大変難しいと思います。ほとんどの国は育児休業制度がありますが、その内容は様々です。例えば休業中に支給されるお金。長い期間の休みを提供しても、お金を支給するかしないかで、育児休業に参加する人口は変わるでしょう。

 カナダの場合は父親は子どもが生まれたら、三七週間の休業をとる権利があります。育児休業は子どもが一歳になるまでに開始しないといけません。その間の生活費用は国の雇用保険のシステムから支給されます。だいたい収入の50%となります。

 日本で育児休業を取得できる期間は「子が一歳に達するまで」。つまり、父親でも産後すぐに申請すれば、最大一年間とれます。(カナダはわずか九か月)。その上、日本は「パパ・ママ育休プラス」という二度目の育児休業をとれる便利な機能もあります。例えば、出産後の八週間以内を妻と一緒に育児をして、その後、夫は仕事に戻る。妻が仕事に復帰する大変な時期に、夫が二度目の育児休業がとれる制度です。カナダでは一人の子どもに対して、育児休業は一回しか申し込めません。日本のように分けたりすることができません。

 日本はカナダに比べて、こんなにすばらしい制度があるのに育児休業を利用している男性はわずか 1.23%です。(「平成二〇年度雇用均等基本調査」)

 私はカナダの制度にいろいろな不満を感じるのに、2010年のカナダにおける男性の育児休業利用率はなんと30%(Labour Force Survey. 2010. Statistics Canada.)でした。だが、これには事情があります。ケベック州が独自に2006年に育児休業の特別制度をつくりました。この育児休業制度は父親専用で母親は参加できません。 五週間、完全に有給で父親は育児休業がとれます。それでケベック州における育児休業男性利用率が爆発的に増加しました、現在はなんと77.6%です。ケベック州外でも、育児休業男性利用率は増加しています。2001年で全国的に育児休業を利用している父親はわずか3%でしたが、現在はケベック州外でも11%となりました。

しかし上記の利用率だけでは、一つの大事なデーターが見えないと思います。それは男性育児休業利用者の平均利用期間です。所得できる期間がカナダでは九か月、日本では一年あっても、実際に男性は育児休業をどれくらいとれているのかが解りません。カナダと日本の統計調査を見つけることができませんでした。日本の男性育児休業利用者、1.23%の中で、一年間いっぱいをとっている父親は何人いるでしょうか?私も半年間しかとることができませんでした。

 次に育児休業をとって感じたことを紹介したいと思います。専業主夫の経験のお陰で理解できたことがたくさんあります。この学びを他の新米パパと共有したいと思っています。それは育児休業がとれるかどうかに関わらずです。具体的には以下に書いた、expectation management(期待値管理)についてですが、夫婦のチームワーク、コミュニケーション、プランニング、持久力とサポートにも深くつながっている話だと思います。

育児のお口伝、其の一

(「くでん」武道用語・秘伝のこと)

育児は短距離競走ではなく、マラソンである

娘が生まれてから二か月間は、妻が家で回復と育児をして、私がフルタイムで仕事をしていました。妻をできるだけサポートをしたいという気持ちがあって、仕事が終わるとすぐに家に帰って育児を引き継ぎました。週末は私が家にいて、妻に外出を勧めました。買い物やマッサージなど。充電するために気分転換をしてほしかった。新生児の育児は難しいとイメージして、私の役割はできるだけサポートすることだと思いました。新米パパの本を読んでそう思いました。

 しかし専業主夫になり、新生児育児の「お口伝」が解りました。実は、短時間なら新生児の面倒を見るのはそんなに難しくはない。走ることと同じように長時間は挑戦です。マラソンのように大量のメンタルと持久力が必要となります。例えば、賃金労働の仕事は週五日の八時間に集中できます。しかし育児労働は二四時間、週七日。さらに賃金労働の場合は、職場と暮らしの場が違いますが、育児労働の場合は職場に住んでいるのと同じ。これはストレスレベルが上がります。

 テレビでマラソンを見ると選手はそんなに早く走っているように見えない。自分はそれより早く走れるだろうと思うかもしれません。でも42キロの長距離をそのスピードでずっと走れると思いますか?専業主婦(主夫)という仕事は、綱渡りをしながらマラソンを走っているようなものです。しかも育児以外の家事など、山ほどある仕事も考えないといけない。だからパートナーのサポートが大変必要となります。

 サーカスで見る綱渡り芸人が練習するときはいろいろ準備します。まずは低い縄、それに長い棒を持ったヘルパーもいます。バランスを崩して、倒れそうな時はヘルパーが棒を出して、手をかけるところを提供する。抱っこ、掃除、皿洗い、赤ちゃんを風呂に入れたり食事を手伝うのは綱渡り芸人に「手すり棒」を出すのと同じ。パートナーが一息ついて、バランスを立て直すことができる。ここに単純な学んだこと:このレース=育児では「サポートし過ぎ」ということはない!それでも、私は綱渡り人になった時、もっと精神的に微妙なことを学びました。

育児のお口伝 其の二

「肯定サポート」より「否定サポート」のコストが高い

expectation management(期待値管理)

 どういう事かをサポートをポイント制にして説明してみます。パートナーにサポートを提供すると+10サポートポイントを取得。これは「肯定サポート」と考えてください。サポートすればするほど、ポイントが貯まる。しかし「約束したサポートをしなかった」ら(お皿を洗うと約束したがしなかったなど)一回で100サポートポイント減点。これが「否定サポート」。損失の大きさをよく解ってください。

注意:「否定サポート」とサポートの欠如は違います。「無サポート」の値はゼロで始まりますが、「無サポート」の期間が長く続くと、サポート減点となっていきます。

 またマラソンを走るルートもよく考えないといけません。上がり坂、下り坂、人混みになる折り返しのカーブ、給水所。ランナーの持久力は限られているので、道しるべをよくプランニングしないといけない。予定していた給水所に着いて水がないと言われたら非常に困るでしょう。

 専業主婦(主夫)のパートナーにアドバイスできることがあるとしたら、サポートする約束を直前にキャンセルしたり変更することは禁止。パートナーが毎日の道しるべを計画できるように、よく自分の予定について伝えてください。持久力は限られているけれど、情報があればうまく管理することが可能です。やる事を言う。言ったことはやる。良好なコミュニケーションは夫婦関係の基礎ですが、赤ちゃんがいるとこれが倍、大事になってくると思いました。

最後に

 育児休業は素晴らしい経験でした。伝統的に父親が子どもを支える方法は財政手段によるサポートでした。正直、新生児にお金はそんなに掛からない。赤ちゃんを育てる経験は短期的な収入カットがあっても、価値がありました。私にとって育児休業経験は感動的、でも孤独な、素晴らしい、でもストレスの多い複雑な気持ちの時期でした。子育てはユニコーンと戯れて、虹がでている日ばかりではない。でも今年一月に次女が生まれて、現在、育児休業中です。今回はカナダで父親がとれる育児休業の最大限九か月間とりました。ところで職場の反応ですが、同時期に同僚の三人の父親が長期休業をとって子育てをしています。

Big Day



Click to see all the pics on Flickr

It has been a long 40 hour day.

Today my second daughter Maya was born at 7:24 on 31 Jan 2012 at 3070g and 50.0cm. The birth took about 7 hours. My wife was amazingly brave. No meds, all natural, just like last time. I did the best I could to alleviate the tension with sarcastic humour. That has probably killed some men in the delivery room. My wife is different, and that is just one reason why I love her.

Maya is brilliant too. She is super cute. Her eyes opened right away. She poops like crazy. And she is tiny. Adorable. Sasha is treating her very well (at least for now). I can’t believe the tears that filled up my eyes. The second time around has definitely been a very different experience, and I am such a big softie now.

Speaking of being a big softie, one thing different this time around is my weight. Last time I was battling anxiety, and was extremely thin. After the birth of Sasha, I was so tired and had dark rings under my eyes — I looked like I was just freed from Auschwitz. This time on the other hand, I do have the dark rings, but it looks like it is from engaging in an all-night eating marathon. I felt only a twinge of anxiety this time. Most of all I think it was sympathetic pregnancy. Either way, I am a fat bastard. Good thing I got a cool scale for Xmas (though don’t expect me to hook it up to my Twitter account).

As is tradition (in that I did it before my first daughter was born), I let my hair grow for the duration of the pregnancy. My hair grows slowly, but it got pretty scruffy. This time I took it to another level and grew my beard too. Just like last time, I shaved it all off once the baby was born. See the evidence below.

Anyways, it is time to sleep. Thank you all for your congratulations. We are looking forward to 2012 and all it will bring.

Kiai from Chad Kohalyk on Vimeo.

UPDATE: Job not done yet. Wife suffering from after pains. Back to massaging her. I guess I can sleep when I’m dead.

Homeless

About I week ago I mentioned on Twitter that the condo we live in has been sold. The new owner wants to move in as soon as possible, thus we have made an agreement to leave by October 29th.

This decision has forced our hand somewhat.

After considering our options, we have decided to have the baby (which we are tentatively calling “Maya”) in Japan. The baby is due late January. I plan on leaving for Japan in mid-January. My wife will leave sooner. In fact, she will be leaving October 18th, taking our 2-year-old with her.

This means that I need to find a room to rent for two-and-a-half months. I am hoping to bunk with a friend or co-worker downtown, but will be checking out Konbinya and other places for shared accommodations. I would gratefully appreciate if anyone out there has any ideas or suggestions.

Addendum

This will be about the seventh time in 10 years that my wife and I will spend an extended time apart (extending from a few months to nearly a year at a time). It will be the third (and longest) time my daughter and I have spent more than a month apart. International marriages are amazingly rewarding, but also can be very difficult and lonely — not just in terms of cultural and language differences, but also in terms of making the decision (or not) of which country should be “home”. We will return to Canada on April 11th 2012. For a long time we have wanted to make Canada our home, at least for the foreseeable future. But ever since we first set foot on Canadian soil in 2005 we just cannot seem to shake Japan. We’ve never lasted much longer than a year before going back. Needless to say, this is costly: bank account-wise as well as psychologically. That said, I am looking forward to 3 months in my adopted country. I always have fun there, and it will be great to start another round of babycare.

Winter is Coming

Remember back a few months ago when I was in the ER with my wife who had stomach pain?

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Yeah, well, it was that special kind of stomach pain that goes away only after nine months.

If I have seemed busy over the past few months, out of touch, always running home after work and often visiting the clinic, you now know why. I apologize if I have inconvenienced any of you.

Anywho, today we went and took a picture:

The baby is healthy and fine, and due January 26th. The ultrasound tech today said she suspects the baby is a girl. Evidence of absence and all. Truth is, we were hoping for a boy. One of each would be grand. I guess there is still a chance. It is early days still.

We already had a name picked out for him: Toma. The Japanese characters (seen left) transliterate as “winter horse”. Pretty cool name. It was particularly cool for a geek like me a couple of months ago when I started getting into Game of Thrones, the tagline of which is “Winter is coming”.

We do have a list of girl’s names, but have not settled on one yet. If you have any suggestions feel free. The rules are: 1) it must be Russian/Eastern European, 2) it must be able to have decent Japanese characters associated with it.

I am looking forward to round two, even if my wife has been suffering from morning sickness a lot worse than usual. For those curious, take a look at some of my previous posts on parenthood and my thoughts first time around.

Wish us luck.

The March

My daughter and I have this little tradition. After our bath, I wrap her up in her hooded bath towel and we walk to her room humming the tune to the Imperial March.

DUM DUM DUM, DUM DA DUM, DUM DAD DUM

Once we get to her room, she throws off her towel and does a little naked jig.

I like to imagine Vader doing the same after getting out of the shower.

Blast-from-The-Past Link Day

Joining neven and marco who took their cue from shawn I would like to highlight some of my favourite posts from the past of my blog (there are too many important posts from others to include here. Follow my Twitter, Instapaper and Google Reader):